Oxbridge or die... laughing

I did not get into Oxbridge back in 1982, which is hardly surprising seeing as I didn't apply. I did get into Exeter, after an interview on a lovely spring day; the day, in fact, that Britain went to war with Argentina over the Falklands. We drove down listening to Maggie Thatcher declaring the nation at war. Scary stuff!

I was afflicted by a half-body flu on the left hand side of my body. My left eye was running, my left nostril was sniffing, I ached down the left side, and was generally in a pretty odd state of health. Contact 4000 or whatever it's called, came to my rescue and dried everything up and kidded my body it had no aches and pains, and I was thus able to conduct the interview in relative comfort.

Whatever questions were asked, and I really cannot remember what they were, I am sure they were nothing like the ones posed by Oxbridge dons to prospective candidates. The Times has an article giving examples of some such eccentric questions (dontcha just love our more eccentric elements?) ; ones liable to turn the belly of a poor little candidate to jelly. I thought it might be amusing to publish them here too, and try to find the most flippant answers possible.

Q Here’s a piece of bark, please talk about it (biological sciences, Oxford) : Well, it doesn't.

Q Why do so few Americans believe in evolution? (human sciences, Oxford) : Because they are descended from our emigrated religious loony element so what do you expect?

Q Are you cool? (philosophy, politics and economics, Oxford) : Philosophically, I haven't got all day; politically, not in the slightest; economically, if only.

Q Why don’t we just have one ear in the middle of our face? (medicine, Cambridge) : don't we hear in stereo? Mono is so last year!

Q Put a monetary value on this teapot (PPE, Oxford) : £2.50, from Oxfam.

Q If there were three beautiful, naked women standing in front of you, which one would you pick? Does this have any relevance to economics? (PPE, Oxford) : pick to do what? I'd tell them to get dressed before they caught their deaths. Economics? Sure; greed, supply, demand and sex.

Q Of all 19th-century politicians, which one was most like Tony Blair? (PPE, Oxford) : oooer, some Frog?

Q Why can’t you light a candle in a spaceship? (physics, Oxford) : who says you can't?

Q What percentage of the world’s water is contained in a cow? (veterinary medicine, Cambridge) : milked or full of milk?

Q Explain how a perm works (biochemistry, molecular and cellular, Oxford) : curly chemicals

So, would I get in? Good thing I didn't actually apply really, innit?!